TOP 10 Things to Eliminate From Sports

I’ve never experienced a concussion from playing sports myself, but from what I understand, they feel something like having the flu with a hangover while seasick staring directly at the sun as Mike Tyson punches your brain.

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Or, Ronda Rousey punches your brain; or, whomever you imagine would inflict the most unpleasantness whilst clobbering your cerebral cortex from inside your skull.

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The closest I’ve come to getting a concussion from sports is when I’ve seen how much it’s going to cost for my kids to play them. Heyoooooo!

Anywhoooo, I believe that every possible action should be taken to reduce the risk that kids will get a “conk”, (as the kids like to call them), when playing sports.

But, there’s no universal agreement on this highly debated sports issue. Therefore, I propose we focus upon that which we CAN agree. Henceforth and WHEREAS, we should create a future legacy of carefree participation in sports for our children, here are the Top 10 things that can immediately, and without debate, be eliminated from competitive athletics:

10. People who drink out of my water bottle at pick-up hockey because they forgot to bring their own. I’m not the team trainer, or your mother; plan ahead.

9. Players who don’t call their fouls on defense in basketball until they’re given the “look”. I’m not very good at giving the “look”, so instead of thinking I’m flirting with you, just call your fouls.

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8. Guys who pull out the NBA rulebook to call me on an illegal play at pick-up basketball. ‘Nuff said.

7. Guys who sit their naked sweaty ass+ on the changing room bench. Myth: “Better the naked sweaty ass+ you know than the naked sweaty ass+ you don’t”.

6. People who take 5-minute shifts at pick-up hockey. ‘Cuz your $20 isn’t worth 250% more than my $20.

5. Guys who spread their stuff out beside me in the locker room like they’re setting up for a yard sale. Your gonch in my “no fly zone” could spark an international incident.

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4. Parent-coaches who play their kids more than mine and in the best positions. I hadn’t budgeted to pay to watch you live vicariously through your child.

3. Parents who complain to me about the coaches, everyone’s kids but theirs and all the other parents before and after every one of their smoke breaks.

2. Grown-ups who sit beside me yelling threats at kids playing, or officiating a game, even if I’ll miss posting them as unsuspecting stars of viral videos on morondotcom.

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And the number one thing that can immediately, and without debate, be eliminated from competitive athletics:

1. Tournament stays in 2 star hotels where everyone else’s kids from 16 other teams play unsupervised capture the flag in the hallways, fitness room and swimming pool.

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You may not agree with me on taking every action possible to reduce the risk of concussions for kids playing sports. But, you can immediately stop doing the things listed above; please, for the children.

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