Parenting Donald Trump

I’m watching Season 4 of “House of Cards” on Netflix and while the first several episodes were riveting, the second half of the season is proving to be less entertaining than the real-life political landscape that is Donald Trump. I still stand by my original post on Jan. 21, 2016, “Donald Trump Does Not Give A Sh*t”, prophesizing that his bid for the Republican presidential nomination is a prank of epic proportions. In this post, I’m just suggesting we start planning now on how to manage him when he becomes U.S. president. I believe the best solution is to parent him like he’s an unruly teenager.

Donald Trump

SIDEBARD: Perhaps Trump’s campaign is being jointly funded by mainstream cable companies in an attempt to undermine the success of subscription-based programming. It would make sense that the Trump media spectacle is being fuelled by millions of dollars in financial support and media coverage from those whom will benefit most. Anything is possible in this race, which seems to have people either very excited, or very worried about the next U.S. president.

Much like a belligerent child, we’re going to have to get used to living with him, and look forward to liking him later when he’s in his 20’s. We can’t send Trump away to military college. He already did that when he was thirteen for realsies. And there’s really no point in trying to persuade each other to change our minds in one direction, or the other. Even reading and watching the most spectacularly hilarious and poignant savagery of him feels a bit like watching a moth repeatedly fly at a light bulb.

John Oliver slayed him on “Last Week Tonight”, but I can promise you, as funny and as bold as his segment was, not a single person changed their mind about Trump for president. Oliver’s peeps = not The Donald’s.

Louis C.K. wrote an email to his fans comparing Trump to Hitler. And while Louis’ rant is not quite as much like a “preaching to the converted’ scenario as John Oliver’s, sorry, still no minds were changed. As much as his fans might love him, no conservative-bent email subscriber read C.K.’s message and said to themselves, “…You know what? Louis might be right. This guy Trump might be crazy after all….”

You have strong opinions on Trump as you’re reading this, and you didn’t even click on the two links above. No, no, no, you can’t go back and do it now. It’s too late, your complacency has betrayed you. So, now that it’s imminent that Trump will be the Republican nominee and eventually president, how do we teen proof our home?

According to WebMD, here are 10 parenting tips for raising teenagers, (let’s call them Trumpagers for inclusiveness):

  1. Give them some leeway

This means give them a chance to establish their own identity. The guy has his name plastered on the outside of buildings. I think we’re good.

  1. Choose your battles wisely

In other words, don’t nitpick. He’ll just threaten to sue you and that’s a waste of everyone’s time.

  1. Invite their friends for dinner

Get to know the company he keeps. Upon reflection, I’ve not actually seen him with, or heard him speak of any friends. Perhaps invite his un-friends, like Rosie O’Donnell for a perspective on the company he’s not keeping.

  1. Decide rules and discipline in advance

Choose what is fair and follow through with the consequences. If he actually did shoot someone on 5th Avenue, we’d probably have to do something. That’s fair.

  1. Discuss ‘checking in’

Give age-appropriate autonomy. So, when he’s in Russia he’s gotta text or snapchat that he’s okay; or, when in North Korea, make sure he knows how to reach Dennis Rodman in an emergency.

  1. Talk to them about risks

Parenting experts agree that Trumpagers need to know what’s the worst that could happen. For Trump, the risk he took when he questioned the authenticity of Barack Obama’s birth certificate was that he might just have to be president himself.

  1. Give them a game plan

Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face. You’ve seen the many memes of his face. Very important to save it.

  1. Keep the door open

Let them know they can always talk to you. Even when they say creepy things about being attracted to their daughter Ivanka.

  1. Let them feel guilty

Self-esteem is healthy, but people should feel bad if they have done something wrong. Oooooorrrrrr, they can just deny they’ve done anything wrong in the first place. Trumped it!

And finally…

  1. Be a role model

Your actions are critical in helping them adopt good moral and ethical standards. In fact, you could also model initiative by starting to pitch in now on building that wall along the Canadian border.

These are just some of the steps to be taken with unruly Trumpagers who lie, disrespect others, ignore expectations and consequences, misbehave, flaunt authority and act unsafely. So, if we co-parent they sh*t out of this, things will be just fine with Trump as president.

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